I Shouldn't Feel This....

It's been a while since my last post, isn't it? Life's not change much, still make me depressed.
How's love? Love? What's it? I don't deserve any love at all. A girl like me? Meh, love never made for me.
I just wanna make things clear. I MUST NOT FALL IN LOVE anymore. Yeah, anymore...like forever. Because love is made for human being except me. I'm the only one exception.
So, before this stupid-feeling-called-love too far, I'll bury it deep deep inside my heart. I've been broken for times. Everytime I have a-so-called-relationship, it ended with a scar in my heart. And now, I don't even know am I still have something called heart? Something called 'feeling'?
Broken heart bring me this far. Never wanna trust any boy, anymore. Forever.

"Ayi, no more love. No more what-so-ever-called-relationship. No more boys. You don't need a man. We don't need a man. Ayi, you better alone. You don't deserve it." I can hear that sounds echo in my mind. In my tiny brain. Pffft, I thought I don't have any brain left.

I have a commitment issues. I don't wanna left again. It hurts me so bad. I'm afraid, more like phobia.
No one know me, my feeling. My deep think. Even my parents, even myself.
I've made promise. I won't fall in love again, anymore. Love is suck. Makes my life bitter even more. Being a fangirl is the best way to keep my self away from that fucking feeling. That's why I  be fangirl.

I have a commitment issues, but I want him.
I don't trust any boys, but I want believe him.
I hate to love again, but I fall for him.
Maybe I'll broke my promises?
Maybe (in the end) I'll broke my heart (again)?